Most superhero origin stories begin with something beyond control happening to someone. A chemical spills on someone. A radioactive spider bites someone. Gamma radiation radiates someone. Someone’s genes mutate. Someone’s parents put their baby in a ship headed for Earth.
If you ever feel like something has been done to you beyond your control, use it. You are a superhero in the making.
Rarely does a director ask, “What if I took all kinds of characters from other movies and threw them into a historical movie to see what history would be like?!!?! LOL?!”
War Horse tackles this startlingly experimental narrative landscape with aplomb!
First off: the goofy kid who was the main character. It’s Goofy from all those Disney cartoons! He rarely speaks, has a positive attitude, and he likes wearing vests. No other character in the universe could have believably given such a goofy grin while gazing at a newborn foal. Only Goofy could have pulled that off!
Possibly the most dramatically noticeable character is the Obi-Wan Kenobi character (from Star Wars) who leases War Horse from the goofy kid. He uses Jedi mind tricks to get the kid to let the horse go, and then later, when he is shot down in battle, he simply vanishes, just like Obi-Wan would have done if this alternate history were real!
Around the time when War Horse goes to war, the Black Stallion enters the film. This scene-stealing character catches the eye of all horsers throughout the film (move over War Horse–there’s a classic horse character on screen!). You may ask yourself, what is the Black Stallion doing in the middle of World War I? Alternative history kapow!
Oh, and then there’s Defense of the Dark Arts instructor Remus Lupin, from the world of Harry Potter. In this alternative history, he is a very lenient landlord. He could have expelled Goofy’s family for not having the rent, but instead he gave them many months to plant and harvest a crop in order to come up with the late rent–with no interest! That’s pretty cool, especially since he could have easily hexed them (he didn’t even stupefy them for fun–wait a minute, maybe he did, because they sure acted stupid sometimes!).
I’m still trying to figure out what movie the alcoholic apologist character is from. She is played by Emily Watson, whose performance makes a compelling argument for it being okay to drink away your farm, so long as you have seen some stuff that you can’t talk about.
It’s fun to see all these characters interacting with each other on screen, but it’s even more compelling to see how these characters changed history itself! The most striking impact is that the Germans and the French both speak English! Throughout the film, your mind is pleasantly baffled by the sheer awkward potential of so many Europeans sharing a unified language! Why, it boggles the tongue! You might ask, “How can one even tell the difference between the English and German soldiers in this film?” Well you can’t! It’s alternative history!
Another striking impact on history is that the world’s economy becomes even more unstable than in our reality. At the beginning of the film, 30 guinea is a huge price to pay for a thoroughbred, whether or not the horse can plow a field. But it’s just an hour into the film and already 30 guinea isn’t nearly enough to pay for the horse (which is why Obi-Wan just leases War Horse, instead of making a purchase)! Yet, we can assume that since Goofy’s parents didn’t lose the farm after their turnip failure that the 30 guinea windfall from leasing War Horse was suddenly enough to pay the rent. Oh, please, let us continue to live in a reality where Goofy is just a cartoon because I don’t think I could handle such extreme fluctuations!
I think the War Horse character should have gotten more lines, but despite this weakness, I still give this movie 30 stars for its innovative approach to story telling and the beautiful use of the Black Stallion character!
When I was young, I thought I’d do all kinds of cool things. As things turned out, I didn’t do any of them.
But I did all kinds of cool things I didn’t expect!
Read more in my guest post on Bellesouth.
Here are directions for taking down my Web site:
1. Make sure SOPA and/or PIPA pass through Congress and are signed into law.
2. Complain to my hosting company by saying that someone posted copyrighted material on aarondietz.us.
3. My hosting company, Dreamhost, will be forced to shut down my Web site or else risk all kinds of nasty things the law can do to them.
This is because of misguided and malicious language in SOPA and PIPA. As my hosting company put it, “We would have to shut down your ENTIRE domain as soon as we received a complaint about it – whether that complaint was valid or not! There would be no pre-shutdown courtesy letter, no friendly ‘please remove this from your site’. Just BOOM! The end. Obliterated. Everything gone.”
Now you know how to shut me down. It will only take an act of Congress and one email. If you want to stop the law from going through, get involved.
Read more about how the movement is working here (SOPA has been delayed or perhaps killed permanently; PIPA is being highly questioned).
See how much time we have here.
Let me tell you what happened.
First, we got Obama elected. We woke up the next day and everything felt nice, happy, safer, and even loving.
Then we all forgot about politics for a while. We had worked hard to get him elected. We deserved a break. The President was going to take care of us, so what the heck–we could take it easy now.
That’s what we figured.
And so for a while, we thought, “Yes we can.”
But now we’re like, “What, you meant me?”
In writing, the well-known trick is to write what you know, but many writers get sidetracked by this and confuse what they know with what they think they should know. A writer may indeed know what it feels like to be a Russian spy posing as a Norwegian chef in the U.K. whose vital mission is to decode a message that will save the lives of countless human beings–including their secret lover.
It’s 1993 or so. Summer. I’m working in a corn field, with Dave.
Dave says, “I hate getting a farmer’s tan.”
I say, “Then roll up your sleeves.”
He rolls up the sleeves on his t-shirt. “It’s kind of uncomfy,” he says.
“It’s an old t-shirt that you probably don’t care about. Just tear your sleeves off. That’s what I do.”
He grabs a sleeve and pulls. His shirt rips down the middle of his chest. The rest of the morning it hangs on him by one shoulder.
We come in to the shed for lunch. Our boss gives Dave a weird look.
Dave says, “Don’t ask.”
I’ve known Eleanor Evans of Bellesouth since 2005 through the social networking site known as MySpace and other social networking sites. Over just a few short years, she’s actually figured out how to make money at blogging, a fact I am in awe of. She was also a strong member of the Super Action Team, a group of amazing marketers and social networking gurus who volunteered to help me promote my novel, Super.
It is with great pleasure that I present an interview with Bellesouth’s industrious and brilliant creator, Eleanor Evans, in which she answers critical questions about unemployment, godliness, and how to become a paid blogger.
Aaron Dietz: When we first communicated about doing an interview you said something about pretending it’s a Barbara Walters Special, so I watched some of those to prepare. And if I may, I’d like to steal some questions from her, starting with the following:
At one point I heard that you thought you might do a show like The View. Is that true?*
Eleanor Evans: Ha! No. You might be confusing this with the time I was interviewed by Star Jones on her short-lived Court TV show for breaking a high-profile story during my newspaper days. She said, “You go, girl!” to me. That’s as far as it went.
AD: That is hugely impressive! Once again I am in awe of you.
How did you feel when you read about the three heads of the auto companies taking private planes to Washington?*
EE: Absolutely annoyed. I hate flying just as much as the next guy, but if I need tons and tons of money I’m taking whatever cheap, multi-layover trip I can get. Or I’ll just drive my ’04 Focus so they’ll see that I’m so broke I can’t afford to use a car wash.
AD: If you were President, what would you do about unemployment?*
EE: First of all, I’d try to recover revenues by pushing for legislation that would place a tax penalty on any U.S. corporations that create more jobs through outsourcing than through domestic hiring.
Secondly, I would push for tax incentives for U.S. corporations who can report at least 25 percent new, domestic hires during the tax year.
I would also end the Bush tax cuts, as they have done absolutely nothing to create jobs. The revenue created would significantly offset our debt.
I would also push for vocational training for jobs we desperately need. The industries that are seeking workers are in health care, homeland security and public health, education, oil-mining and extraction, and engineering services.
I also would push for more development in the creative economy, as more and more Americans are going into business for themselves through writing, art, design and handmade goods.
Sadly, I don’t think those outsourced jobs are coming back, and if they left those countries, how would they be able to live? I don’t want to see the same China that existed 40 years ago.
We need to pay attention to the “Buy Handmade” movement and how it’s enabled lots of Americans to earn substantial incomes. Bloggers are also doing the same thing.
AD: Amen. This stranglehold of bad politics going on could be completely alleviated by a strong shift in purchasing habits. Your words here are quite poignant.
We refer to you with deep respect as Your Holiness – are you a god?*
EE: No, but if I was a God, I would be Poseidon. He carried around that HUGE trident. I bet I could catch some really tasty fish with that thing.
AD: Ha! Now anyone reading this post knows what to get you for a gag gift. And now just to shift the tone a little bit, I’d like to ask you some questions that were NOT originally generated by Barbara Walters.
On one of your many online profiles, you claim that you “get excited about the little joys in life.” Can you name some of these little joys you get excited about?
EE: When I’ve had a really bad day, I open the front door to my condo and my dog immediately runs up to me to show me how much I was missed. Getting hugs from my mom, my friends and their kids. Sharing inside jokes with my mom while we’re out in public.
AD: How did you end up becoming a paid blogger?
EE: It all started in about 2008, when I was looking through my Google Reader recommendations and I happened across a blog written by Julie Vazquez. It told stories about her life and her kids but also included product reviews, giveaways and other interesting posts that would attract readers. I found out Julie wrote for a company called IZEA (www.izea.com), which marketed itself as a leader in “sponsored conversations.” Basically, you are paid to write honest reviews about products, services and promotions. So I joined IZEA, started writing a little bit here and there, and eventually my blog took on a new life and I was joining other groups and getting more offers. It’s still paying just a little more than milk money, but it is growing and I am continuing to learn from people.
AD: How did you get into the whole “mom” blogger market?
EE: From the days of MySpace blogging, the greatest portion of my readers were stay-at-home moms. For some reason I have always connected with them, even though I’ve never been married, I don’t have children and at the time I worked a 40-hour-a-week job. I think right now “mom blogging” is getting to be VERY big, especially since we’re in a recession, people are always looking to save money. At the same time, businesses can get a lot more exposure by allowing trusted writers with word-of-mouth marketing standards to give honest opinions on their products. It attracts me because I have the power not to promote or write about something that goes against my principles.
That’s the best part about working for myself; I call the shots, I agree to the terms, and I don’t have 15 different bosses coming up to me to remind me to put the cover page on my TPS reports.
AD: I’m always so proud of myself when I get a pop culture reference. Office Space. See that, everyone? My memory works sometimes!
So, where do you see the blogging thing going in the next five years?
EE: I have no idea where it’s going. I think the mom-market novelty will wear off soon and that it will take a few good writers and promoters to keep up. It’s like Mary Kay. There’s always gonna be someone with the pink cadillac and some others with a closet full of product they can’t give away.
AD: What’s in store for you and your site, Bellesouth?
EE: As far as Bellesouth is concerned, I’m still going to be adding stories and anecdotes from my life, but there will also be a lot more reviews, giveaways and post exchanges such as the one we’re doing here. But I’m also working very hard on my Facebook fan page (http://www.facebook.com/bellesouthblogs), where I’m posting deals and giveaways from other sites, as well as engaging in regular dialogue with them.
I take a lot of things from my reporter days, including my philosophy that you have to genuinely earn people’s trust, and once you do, you must spend every day earning their trust again and again. Engage your readers; respond to their comments even with a simple “Thank you,” and be sincere in everything you do.
AD: Since we met through MySpace and we both took part in the explosion of user-generated content that occurred there not that long ago, I thought I’d close with a few MySpace survey questions, just for old times’ sake. Here goes:
What did your last text message say?**
EE: We have received a request to add your mobile phone number to REDBOXALERTS. Please reply Y to confirm your subscription. Msg&data rates may apply.
(I’m not gonna reply to that one.)
AD: Have u every liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?**
EE: Every liked? Now I KNOW you copied this from MySpace.
AD: Busted. I wanted to be authentic. Copy editing the questions wouldn’t have felt genuine.
Why did u get a myspace?**
EE: One of my college friends said I needed to get on MySpace and start a blog, because I would be very good at it, people would read it and laugh.
AD: And the rest, as they say, is history. I think it’s fitting that I close this out with an old school emoticon, for old times sake. 
* An actual question taken from a Barbara Walters Special. Can you guess which celebrity Barbara Walters was talking to?
** An actual question taken from a MySpace quiz.
I invented Seattle, once.
I did! I thought it up, right down to the name.
Later, I discovered someone else thought it up before me and built the whole thing!
So I moved there to check it out. Not bad!
My idea was to have conveyor belts instead of sidewalks, but whatever. Still pretty decent.
I’ve finally seen the latest Lord of the Rings movie and I’d like to review it. It’s called Lord of the Rings: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 7, Part 2.
Well, first of all I just want to say: boy am I confused!
I mean, I know there’s a lot of backstory, but sheesh! In case you didn’t see the first 10 films, there were a bunch of rings and Sauron gave them out to all these people and elves and gnomes and jeez, I guess Harry Potter had to destroy them and it takes him like 11 hours of film just to destroy the first one!
However, skip centuries into the future and the predictable hobbit is still traveling around, hunting down rings and killing them. That’s when this movie takes place. And by this time, the rings are getting much craftier! Sure, there’s one he finds and puts around his neck as per the standard operating procedure, but the other rings disguise themselves as a cup and a tiara!
But this doesn’t stop Harry Potter because after centuries of Gandalf’s training in hunting down rings, he is so badass that he can just sense them (but don’t confuse this with having had Jedi training–that’s a completely different film series).
In the films just before Part 7, Part 2, we saw what terrible things happened to the elves–they’re all slaves of humans and have grown all shriveled and short! Of course, they do revolt and some become cool again (like Dobby, who is pretty much the Golem of elves), but they can never grow tall again, or speak in dark ominous tones. So sad!
Because of what happened to the elves, you may have been worried that an equally horrendous fate had happened to the gnomes, but no! They are still hanging out collecting gold in caves. No worries!
But I know what you’re thinking because it’s pretty much in the title of the film: what are the Deathly Hallows??!! Well, think no more. They are basically a bunch of evil things that make someone better than everyone else if they have them, so obviously they need to be destroyed! Even though the job of hunting rings is pretty taxing, Harry Potter takes on the extra job of hunting down the Deathly Hallows. And I know these jobs don’t pay well because Harry Potter lives in a tent!
If Harry Potter didn’t already have to worry about all those rings, he probably could have handled the three Deathly Hallows easily. However, by the end of this film Harry Potter and his two friends, Samwise Gamgee and the vampire slayer character, are all corrupted and aren’t able to do their jobs well, because they just have too much work to do and get really crabby all the time.
When it comes time to destroy the Resurrection Stone, Harry Potter just leaves it in the forest.
When it comes time to destroy the Elder Wand, Samwise is all, “Think what we could do with it!” It is only with the strongest fortitude Harry Potter can muster on the spot that he can bring himself to break the twig-like Elder Wand.
Of course, the third Deathly Hallow is kept close to Harry Potter–the Cloak of Invisibility. He is either completely corrupted by the evil rings and/or hallows and can’t bring himself to destroy it, or he just figures since he carted around a ring of invisibility for so long, a cloak of invisibility is no big deal.
I found this latest film to be an action-packed romp. I would have liked to have seen more of Gandalf, but I understand if he can only be brought back from the dead so many times. Shelob’s part, too, was kind of diminished, I thought. All in all, though, I’m looking forward to the prequel that comes out soon, called Lord of the Rings: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Part 1 the First, which tells the story of how Headmaster Gandalf came across Harry Potter’s uncle’s place.
© Copyright 2012 | Aaron Dietz | All Rights Reserved
