April 2nd, 2006 by aarondietz

1. They have a bunch of mugs, t-shirts and other crap that you can buy. A good coffee shop will attempt to survive on coffee alone.

2. They pipe in corporate music. Evil! Make sure your coffee shop plays actual CDs or mixes from someone’s mp3 player.

3. It closes before 9pm. Even closing at nine is suspect, but places that close at nine can on occasion still be awesome (mind you – just barely). If they close at 4:30pm, that is a dead giveaway that they suck.

4. The employees wear uniforms. This means that their baristas all make the drinks the same exact way which also means that there is no art being put into the beverage. A seriously awesome barista will usually not want to work where they wear a uniform. They are artists!

5. You have to tell them when you want it in a mug. Some evil places don’t even have a mug as an option and others will still put it in a paper cup even if you tell them it’s “for here.” They would rather destroy the environment than wash a few dishes. No, a good place will take pride in allowing you to drink your coffee the right way: in a mug.

Coming soon: The good thing about Starfucks!