July 30th, 2009 by aarondietz

I stumbled across a word the other day, which was rather coincidental, since the doctor had just uttered it and so it was weird that I should have happened to hear it at precisely the same moment, especially since I had been seeing the doctor because of a loss of hearing.

The word: Idiopathic

The definition: Of unknown cause

The reason it was uttered: The doctor couldn’t figure out why my left ear hears less than it used to.

The diagnosis was given to me almost as if it were a solution. Huzzah! We have solved the problem! Your loss of hearing is idiopathic!

My future career change: Idiopathologist

Sounds like a sweet job!

July 28th, 2009 by aarondietz

That’s all, really. I just liked the title for some reason.

July 22nd, 2009 by aarondietz

The Internet’s implicit encouragement of bad spelling and vapid sloganizing has run rampant to the point of mass noncommunication.

Solution: No one cares.

Prblem sovled KOL!

July 20th, 2009 by aarondietz

So, I’m headed out to lunch with a friend, but the friend needs to use the restroom first, and he asks if I’ll hold his book.

“Sure,” I say. The book is called Cyber America.

I stand outside the restroom and people walk by and this guy in a torpedo jacket comes walking up.

He says, “Is that, like, about a horse named America?”

I look at the book.

“Um. No,” I say.

“Because I had a horse named America once.”

I don’t say anything.

“When I was a kid,” he explains, “we didn’t have all this techno-babble. It was just horses and guns. And corn.”

“Oh. Yeah. Well, that makes sense.”

“You must be a writer,” he says.

“Yeah, actually, I am.”

“What do you write?”

“E-mail, mostly. Sometimes a real letter. Occasionally, I sign stuff, like credit card receipts. That kind of thing.”

He points at a random, moving spot on my chest. “A real funny guy, huh? Your kind will last longer than the filthy cockroaches.”

And then he decides to catch the elevator.

(Side note: if you’re interested, you can now become a fan of SPAM Publishing on FaceBook.)

July 14th, 2009 by aarondietz

The name of my new publishing entity is:

Send the work to spam.publishing@gmail.com. All work will be considered, but in general we’re most interested in publishing short pieces that take advantage of the format for literary gain (and possibly comedic effect).

July 9th, 2009 by aarondietz

If you go into a cave, and Darth Vader comes out of the darkness, it’s okay to slice Darth’s head off, because it’s probably just a clone of you dressed up as Darth, and your clone sucks at sword fighting, so–easily done.