April 29th, 2009 by aarondietz
I was picking up the latest vaccinations for an impending trip to Taiwan and the pharmacist shouts, “Oh wow, that porn looks good!”
I thought: ?
I looked at my grocery basket, and saw the corn sitting on top. So apparently I just have bad ears.
April 27th, 2009 by aarondietz
Once again, the Internet solves a problem that doesn’t exist by giving us the @ symbol in a new context: when you’re speaking to someone specific.
Problem that doesn’t exist: People have no problem identifying whom they are speaking to by typing things like the following.
Allie:
or
Marmaduke:
The Internet decided this convention was too easy to understand, and thus, the @ symbol was reinvented. Now, newbies have to wonder for a second about the following syntax:
@Joe
Way to go, Internet! We’re all excited by the way you abstractualize simplicity.
@Internet u r so smartz.
April 21st, 2009 by aarondietz
Bye! I’ll write! And I’ll take lots of pictures!
You’ll be fine, without me. Honest!
You’re so enterprising; you’ll be as busy as if I’d never left!
Come on, now. Wipe those tears away.
April 15th, 2009 by aarondietz
There is at least one book in every one of you.
Take Giovanni Diviacchi, for instance, a standup comic out of D.C….
Like all standup comics, Giovanni had some jokes about lawyers. However, one night “some attorney friends…were complaining about the lawyer jokes in my act,” Diviacchi says, “so we decided to turn the tables and write a joke book for lawyers.”
And that’s just what he did. Now, his book is probably the best possible kitschy gift you can give to a lawyer friend or attorney relative.
Also, the book (How Many Clients Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?) was a Stephen T. Colbert Award for the Literary Excellence…nominee. I know, because it’s got a little sticker-stamp on my copy of the book that says so.
And just because it’s better to let the work speak for itself, here’s some text from between the pages:
A client asked his long-time family lawyer to come to his deathbed with a Bible.
“Would you like me to read to you?” asked the lawyer of his client.
The client shook his head weakly and said, “No, I want you to find the loopholes.”
There you have it. If you would just get off of the couch, you, too, could write a book that gets a stamp about a nomination for an award that’s pretty much made up, from a certain point of view. Now get moving! The book isn’t going to write itself unless you’re rich!
April 8th, 2009 by aarondietz
And the Recycler of the Year Award Goes to…
I.M. Pei, for soaking a cardboard container from a frozen meal. After soaking it, the remnants of cheese were easily removed so the container could be placed in the recycle bin.
April 5th, 2009 by aarondietz
It’s a dangerous situation: many U.S. cities have “competing” newspapers that are essentially owned by the same company.
This could be considered a dangerous trend for free speech, except for the following:
Nobody reads the newspapers anymore.
Problem solved LOL!
April 1st, 2009 by aarondietz
1. Sign up as a Giant Campus agent, and then convince people to sign up for summer camp. You get 5% of the registration fee, and you also connect kids to an incredible learning experience.* (Last year, one agent earned $14,000 doing this.)
2. Create a sculpture for the Arbitrary Art Grant. The details are below, in the image. If you already have enough money to pay the necessary bills and buy the necessary food, I ask you to do the noble thing and ignore this tip. But you can still create a sculpture and send me a picture if you want.
3. Take over the writing for AdventuresOfDogboy.com, sign up at Google AdSense, then promote Dogboy all over the place. I’ll pay for hosting, help with editing Dogboy adventures, and do the Web work to get AdSense running for you. You’ll earn what you make off of advertising clicks, which probably won’t be much, but if you’re an unemployed writer or just someone who has the time, this will kill some time for you.
* If you don’t want to sign up as an agent, but you know someone who wants to go to camp, you can use my promo code (I’ll use the money to pay off credit card debt), or if someone else signs up through my blog and lets me know, I’ll give you their promo code, because I’m okay so far. I have a job right now and am very grateful for that.
