October 31st, 2007 by aarondietz

My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is 965 pages–pages I’d rather skip, but since I really just want to find out what happened, I’m going to finish the series. I present to you, three chapters at a time, a summary of what happens, without the verbosity and irrelevant irrelevancies.

Chapter 1

Voldemort invites a bunch of boring aristocrats over for dinner.

Chapter 2

Harry Potter reads the news.

Chapter 3

Harry Potter’s uncle exhibits his anti-wizard phobia for the hundredth time in the series. Dudley, Harry Potter’s cousin, confesses his love for Harry.

October 30th, 2007 by aarondietz

If you’re like me, it’s hard to tell what emotion you are feeling. That’s why I’ve come up with a list of measurable phenomena that can help!

How to tell if you are in love, for robots and mildly autistic people:

1. You check your email just to see if a certain person wrote.
2. You think about that person 482 times a day or more.
3. Your heart rate increases when that person texts you, even if it’s a simple message, like, “Hello”.
4. You find yourself uninterested in boning other people.
5. Your stomach experiences roller coaster-style sinking sensations when they tell you bad news that might separate you, like that they might move away.
6. More stuff like the above.

October 21st, 2007 by aarondietz

In the last decade, porn has surpassed war and space exploration as the most influential creator of new technologies.*

1. Porn
2. War
3. Space Exploration

* Data not actually gathered from anywhere.

October 11th, 2007 by aarondietz

At the grocery store, I got in line behind a woman with these characteristics:

1. Beauty queen face.
2. Voluptuous body.
3. Clothes that fit well.
4. A shirt that exposed veritable cleavage.

Here is what she was buying, among other things:

1. Hershey’s chocolate syrup.
2. Folger’s coffee.
3. A bag of Reese’s peanut butter cups.
4. A bag of M&M’s.

When I thought of how much slavery she was supporting in her single trip to the grocery store, I wanted to puke all over those boobs of hers. She instantly became the ugliest person in the store.

Ladies and gentlemen, no lenience will be granted just because Halloween approaches. Buying slavery-grown cocoa products is not just quiet acquiescence–it is an action of avid support. Don’t make me puke on you.

October 9th, 2007 by aarondietz

Number of messages in my MySpace inbox: 364

Percentage of those messages that are from Fantastic H: 33

Percentage of those messages that are from King Rusty: 8

Percentage of those messages that are from profiles that have since been deleted: 12

Time (in minutes) spent walking to and from work, per weekday: 17

Percentage that time waiting for stop lights: 42

Number of photos I’ve taken of my dog: 0

Number of dogs I own: 0

Record time (in seconds) I have spent masturbating without a break: 14,827

Estimated amount of lube (in ounces) used per month: 8.2

Career win-loss record at Connect Four: 142-73

Connect Four record, last ten games: 1-9

Percentage of these statistics that are completely made up: 31

Percentage of these statistics that are accurate to within five percent: 62

What are YOUR statistics?

October 5th, 2007 by aarondietz

A lot of you have expressed interest in the “porn” screenplay I wrote and tried to produce over the summer. Well, read it for yourself: A Tiny Silence. I’ve also included a few storyboards and a bunch of notes on making the porn. I think I could have written a book about it, but I didn’t. I have other books to write (and I’m working on those).

Enjoy.

Er, whatever.