June 29th, 2007 by aarondietz

Kazoo :: [kuh-zoo] :: -noun

The Microsoft Word 2000 suggested replacement for the word “Kosovo”.

Usage :: My father’s last tour of duty before retirement was in Kazoo.

June 22nd, 2007 by aarondietz

The administration gets the top floor, while telling the public that the highest viewpoint is actually lower than it is. They’re trying to shut us down!

Incidentally, there is a new 100 Nights adventure up at aarondietz.us: Sluts, You Will Not Faze Me!

June 19th, 2007 by aarondietz

The sequence of events:

1. I order a veggie dog at the Cyber Dog Cafe (pretty good, but nowhere near as good as CRIF Dog in New York City).

2. My phone vibrates as I’m putting condiments on the dog. I look to see who is calling. It’s Lorna, a cute girl I know. (I’ve called Lorna a couple times to hang out, but she is always busy.)

My thoughts at the moment: Maybe Lorna wants to have my children now!

3. I don’t answer the phone because I’m not rude (usually). So I finish with my condiments and take the veggie dog outside.

My thoughts at the moment: I’ll just wait for her voicemail.

4. I start eating my veggie dog and walking home, waiting for the phone to tell me that a voicemail is ready, but it doesn’t happen.

My thoughts at the moment: I guess whatever she wanted wasn’t a big deal.

5. Five minutes later, my phone tells me a voicemail is ready.

My thoughts at the moment: She left a voicemail after all! And since it took so long, that must mean it’s a very long voicemail and that must mean that she was confessing some sort of crush on me or something, right?! And she at least maybe wants to hang out or something, right?!

6. I dial the voicemail and listen. It is no message after all! It’s her phone accidentally ringing me and I can hear Lorna and another woman talking and laughing. I listen to the whole message, unable to hear what they are saying and unable to hang up because I figure at some point, Lorna will discover that her phone is on and she will say, “Hello? Hello?” But she doesn’t even do this. She never notices.

June 18th, 2007 by aarondietz

Whenever I play the lottery, I don’t win.

So, if I actively don’t play, I might win, right?

June 13th, 2007 by aarondietz

I just graduated.

I need a job.

Want me to move to your town? Find me a job. What kind of job?

Here’s what I’m looking for, in order of importance:

1. Something in publishing (editing, grunt-work, whatever – I don’t mind putting my foot in a door).
2. If not in publishing, book-related work (like for a library).
3. If not either of the above, a nonprofit organization or otherwise benevolent purpose for doing my job. I can be pretty happy simply doing data entry if the data is helping doctors fight cancer. Take that, cancer!

What possible skills and knowledge do I offer said job?

1. A B.A. in Arts and Literature, focused on experimental fiction and the future of book design.
2. Experience as a freelance writer and copy editor.
3. Experience as an advisory editor of KNOCK.
4. I have been tested recently and can type over 80 words per minute with 100 per cent accuracy.
5. I know a bit about Web design and programming. I’m not an expert, but I know my way around a MySQL database and can code in ColdFusion. I’ve dabbled in other Web programming languages, and it wouldn’t take me long to catch up with anything else (PHP, etc.). I can do a Web site’s layout in CSS, design a database interface, or slap RSS feed content onto a home page.
6. I actually care about the work I do. I want it to be good. Employers love me, as my references will indicate.
7. I can learn anything and do anything and I will do it better than about 99.9 per cent of the United States work force. My references once again will have no trouble telling you that this is the truth.

If you think of anything that sounds like it might work, let me know. If you’d like a copy of my resume, let me know and I’ll send you one.

And I promise to start blogging again soon. Truly.