February 26th, 2007 by aarondietz

Kristin once suggested I describe my ideal mate in a style similar to my bio. I’ve finally gotten around to doing it–three times! Which future lover do YOU think is most appropriate for me?

On a good day, my future lover might have her nose in a book. On a bad day, this might also be true. She is more likely to knock than use a phone, though an occasional full frontal assault is also a possibility. She uses secret codes with ease and downs drinks like a sailor (whether it be a candy-sweet mixed drink or orange juice). Her nose is way cuter than a button and she bundles up better than Midwestern girls.

My future lover knows how to use a stenosizer and has even blasted a few orgles (but never without provocation). She won a medal for her intergalactic space travel and has learned from experience that you don’t get to other dimensions by traveling in a starship. Glax monsters have nothing on this woman, as her skill with the light sword can keep any violent creature at bay. Also, she doesn’t write in books.

My future lover once led a continental army to victory over Britain. Later, she was elected the first president of her fledgling nation and served admirably for eight years. As a youth, she worked as a land surveyor and acquired valuable knowledge that aided her as a General during the revolution. She was popular as a leader and twice rejected power in order to retire to quiet life on the plantation. It is said that she once chopped down a cherry tree, but that story is most likely bogus.

February 22nd, 2007 by aarondietz

Once upon a time, ice cream sucked. Yet, no one noticed because even sucky ice cream is still pretty good.

Then, Ben and Jerry changed the world. They put MEGA huge amounts of chunks in their ice cream. They also swirled their ice cream incredibly well. People suddenly could get a little of everything in every bite! Genius! The ice cream was more expensive, but it was worth it!

Then Ben and Jerry sold their ice cream company and little by little, ice cream began to suck again. For some reason, there were fewer chunks in Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, and the chunks didn’t taste as fresh, either. The new owners even invented “Core” ice cream that was no longer swirled, but instead, required you to dip your utensil into each flavor of ice cream in order to get a taste of everything, much like the sucky old days. So, ice cream went back to sucking and still, no one noticed, because even when it sucks, ice cream is still pretty good.

Pssst…hey, kids! Re-read this blog replacing the words “ice cream” with the word “sex”!

February 20th, 2007 by aarondietz

Satan: Yo, Aaron, what up?

Aaron: What up, Satan? Peace.

Satan: Peace, yo. So, remember that time you said you’d consider working for me if it meant you could live in San Francisco?

Aaron: Yeh.

Satan: Let’s do it.

Aaron: Wait now, tell me about the job first.

Satan: You get to sit around in your office and make $200,000 a year and you don’t have to do any work and you have to watch TV.

Aaron: I have to what?

Satan: Watch TV. Like, all the time.

Aaron: I’d have to?

Satan: It’s the way the deal is constructed. But the benefits are that I don’t take your soul and you will have a kickass retirement at age 45 and you will also get major book deals and movie deals and merchandising deals and major babes, too. We’re talking celebrity babes, more than one at once. Five at a time if you want. Or six. Yeah, six. And you will also have a big penis. I know how much you want a big penis.

Aaron: So…after I retire, could I quit watching TV?

Satan: No.

Aaron: Shit.

Satan: It’s still a good deal. I mean come on, I don’t even take your soul!

Aaron: Sorry, buddy, I can’t take that job. TV is just evil.

P.S. Check out my friend, Lilnavywife’s first comedy standup routine ever! She was hilarious. Watch it here.

February 17th, 2007 by aarondietz

Mired in predictability and held back by male-centrism, any statement Children of Men was trying to make was not worth seeing the movie for. Did anyone expect that Michael Caine’s character was NOT going to die (hence: why did they even show it?)? And it’s too bad the film focuses on the white man’s story of how he “helped” the woman and baby get to the boat (sure, he pushed a car during their getaway, but that’s about it). The woman (played admirably by Claire Hope Ashitay) went through a lot more than he did, was way more important to humanity, and was more interesting as well, so why was the story told completely from the white guy’s perspective?

One thing the film did do well was subject you to an apocalyptic world of refugee life not unlike circumstances that exist all over the world today. These scenes were enhanced by clever film-making and are commendable.

In other news (but related allegorically), I had a dream last night that a three year old was pregnant and had the baby, the first baby the Earth had seen after 18 years of complete infertility. When the baby came out, it was a little baby pig and went to join the other animals on the farm. What does it mean? What does it mean?

February 14th, 2007 by aarondietz

The story:

A Leap Into The Grand Canyon

No time to talk.

Good bye.

And to catch me and several others reading some material on Deborah Leeson’s Blogtalkradio show, go here: Between The Covers.

When? 6pm PST.

February 11th, 2007 by aarondietz

I, Zorgnarf, alien inventor and creator of the Aaron Dietz unit, now give you a plethora of ways to get your hands on his book without paying for it.

The contest: Be the first to write a review of Aaron Dietz’s book on Amazon.com or Lulu.com. (Update: Fantastic H and The Rocketman have won the prizes, but keep reading for more ways to get this book for free!)

The prize: A signed copy of the book, sent directly to your home (or work, or whatever, you provide the address)!

The conditions: There will be two books given away, one for the first reviewer on each site mentioned above, but if you are the first reviewer on both sites, you will still only get one copy of the book.

Further explanation: You may be wondering, “Zorgnarf, alien inventor, how can I review the book without owning the book and thus making the prize irrelevant?” To this, I say, “If you have read many of the Aaron Dietz unit’s blogs, you have a good idea of what is in the book, and can thus write a review, and if you already have the book, then perhaps you’d like a signed copy so that you can give your other copy to an in-law for Mother’s Day.”

Even more ways to read this book for free: Some of you may be thinking, “Zorgnarf, alien inventor, this blog is ten minutes old and therefore the contests are probably already won. How can I get a copy of this book for free?” To this, I say, “Why, just tell me what public library you frequent and the Aaron Dietz unit will try to get his book into that library. Easy as pie!” To which, you may say, “I don’t like pie!” And in that case, you are out of luck.

Even further explanation: Some of you may be saying, “But Zorgnarf, I can read the Aaron Dietz unit’s blogs for free. Why should I read the book?” And to this I say, “Because, good soul, there are two pieces in the book that were never published as blogs, as well as over 90 pages of commentary. And the commentary is sweet, as this testimonial from Fantastic H convincingly states:

So, ok, I read Aaaaaaron’s book recently and oh my fucking Zeus it is amazingly brilliant. I love love love – fucking have sex dreams about – love the commentary. Ok, so really I have not had any sex dreams about the commentary, but if the commentary asked me to, I might just do so. -Fantastic H

One more reason to read the book…. Following are the first six frames of one of the previously unpublished pieces: the first ever comic strip starring me, Zorgnarf, alien inventor, drawn and scripted by the Aaron Dietz unit himself.

If you don’t get your hands on the book you will not know what happens to Bob and see how his life is miraculously transformed by my invention (unless of course you ask someone who already has the book, in which case, even then, you may wonder, “Are they really telling me the truth about Bob?”)!

February 3rd, 2007 by aarondietz

Damage report:

2 PBR’s.
9 bottles of wine.
1 Half bottle of Woodford Reserve.
2 glasses of milk.

Supplies confiscated:

One box of wine glasses.
Crackers and cheese.
Garlic bread.
One loaf of nut bread.
Two black women’s jackets.
One book (Letters From The Earth, by Mark Twain).
One box of cowboy band-aids.
One deck of cards.
One NES controller, customized with moo-cow applique.
One cell phone.
One iPod.

February 1st, 2007 by aarondietz

Or, Obscure Social Interest Victory Is Mine!

I win, Turner Construction. You closed a one block section of sidewalk for around 13 weeks, forcing me to cross Denny Way back and forth each time I walked to or from school. Denny Way is a busy street, so often this added five minutes onto my trip. After 13 weeks, that added up to hours of lost productivity. And that’s why I sent the City of Seattle after you.

Round about week 12, I contacted the Citizens Service Bureau, at cityofseattle.net. They passed my message on to the appropriate city agency (the Street Use department of the DOT). A Planning and Development Specialist quickly contacted me to verify the location of the street closure. Then, a Street Use Inspector was sent to investigate. Soon after, Turner Construction paved that city block properly and took down the fences.

I win! And I am most impressed with the City of Seattle. I didn’t even have to use the phone (all of this was accomplished over email).

Boo-yah.