Super, a novel by Aaron Dietz from Emergency Press

Why the World Seems Like It’s Out to Get You

Posted: July 19th, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Especially Good, Serious, Short | 4 Comments »

Want to know why the world seems like it’s out to get you?

It’s like walking on a sidewalk of an average city block.

If half the people are going your direction and half the people are walking against you, you’re much more likely to encounter the people who are going against you. The others you may never notice.

Literature Is Science

Posted: September 8th, 2010 | Author: | Filed under: Especially Good, Other People, Serious | No Comments »

In an age where we are generating more content than we can possibly consume, it’s desirable to pursue artistic endeavors that can produce measurable results, and to use these results to guide future artistic inquiries.

Every artistic creation that has no measurable impact contributes to a glut of immeasurable content and distracts people from a scientific development of artistic knowledge.

In 1893, Émile Zola pointed out that so little was understood about medicine that some still considered it an art.

Today, this is the state in which literature resides.

Remember to Plan for the New Year

Posted: January 1st, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Especially Good, Funny, Short, With Pictures | No Comments »

As you make plans for 2009 to be even better than 2008, be sure to think of everything. Here’s an example:

Things I need: a good roll in zee hay, a hotmama, hay

Luke and Darth: Episode VII

Posted: November 20th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Especially Good, Funny, Luke and Darth, With Pictures | No Comments »

Luke doesn't recognize his father as a young ghost, thinks he's Yoda's lover.

The Other Side Will Never Die

Posted: November 11th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Especially Good, Events, Funny, Luke and Darth, Other People, Short, With Pictures | Tags: , | No Comments »

We can’t shut the opposition out or pretend the opposition doesn’t exist. We have to live with them, and help them understand how to live with us.

FREE SHOW! If you’re in Seattle Friday night, I’ll be in a 3-piece suit, reading at the KNOCK Magazine release party. 7pm. Jewel Box Theater inside The Rendezvous. (I’m also opening for Jonathan Evison on December 11 – that one’s free, too, and even includes free beer and an Appalachian wedding buffet.)

Stormtrooper Yoga

Posted: June 27th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Especially Good, Random, Serious, With Pictures | Tags: , | No Comments »

They decked our rooms out with simulated natural light, and artificial windows that displayed a realistically boring 3-D outdoors.

They even gave us simulated real fake plants that looked like they were really real fake plants.

The cold smooth hum of the contemporary cooling unit was drowned out by a simulated cranky whir that made us feel at home.

We could make believe the Death Star didn’t even exist, if we wanted.

And we wanted.

The Dalai Lama wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye

Posted: April 16th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Especially Good, Other People | Tags: | No Comments »

I worked all weekend, pretty much, so I didn’t have a chance to go see the Dalai Lama speak.

On Sunday, I woke up late. I had intended to get into work by 11, but I didn’t leave for work until about 12.

I walked about two blocks before figuring out that I had forgotten my security card to get into the building. I started back for it.

When I got to my apartment, I figured I might as well take out the recycling.

This meant that I went around to the back of the building to drop the recycling off. As I was headed back to the front, I saw two people carrying coffee cups from Uptown Coffee. That made me really want coffee, and since I was already late, I figured I might as well get some before I went to work.

As I was walking toward Uptown Coffee, a motorcycle cop pulled up out of nowhere to stop traffic. He let me walk across the street but stopped all vehicle traffic.

Someone asked him, “Is this for the Dalai Lama?”

And I don’t know what the cop answered but I knew that it was. I stopped walking and waited by the side of the street.

Soon, fifteen or twenty motorcycle cops sped around the corner and drove by. They were followed by the Dalai Lama motorcade, and I didn’t know which car the Dalai Lama was in, but I suddenly felt happy.

Onward, to the paper cup shortage!

Posted: March 19th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Especially Good, Funny, Random, Serious, Short, With Pictures | No Comments »

You may have heard: there is a bit of an oil shortage.

But see, oil is just the tip of the iceberg!

A Blog Can Bring Down An Empire

Posted: July 2nd, 2007 | Author: | Filed under: Especially Good, Funny, Serious | No Comments »

An excerpt from Alfred Katar’s journal, Production Manager for the first Death Star:

Of course I considered the possibility that some farmboy would throw a couple proton torpedoes down that chute and blow the whole thing up! We consider everything: cheese in the vents, parasites in the mail, an irregular muscle twitch happening to Lord Vader while he’s practicing light saber–you name it, we thought of it and had a design for the Death Star that accounted for it.

Our original proposal included a fix for the “farmboy proton torpedo” scenario, but budget cuts forced us to eliminate several fixes on our Least Plausible Scenario list (the rebels alternatively could have simply melted a candy bar over exhaust port subvalve 6843 to achieve the same effect).

Still, we figured we were okay. Who would think of using proton torpedoes against the Death Star? And why would they target that particular two meter section of real estate? It just didn’t make ordinary strategic sense.

However, one of the technicians posted a blog about the “farmboy proton torpedo” scenario on our internal DeathNet. I read it. It was pretty funny and completely satirical. I didn’t even make him take it down–who would take a blog seriously, anyway?

How was I to know that some Internet-obsessed droid would get on board and start reading our blogs? That was the one scenario we didn’t consider.

Protect the Internet. It’s our only hope.

How To Turn a Crappy Blog Into Pure Awesomeness!

Posted: May 10th, 2007 | Author: | Filed under: Especially Good, Other People, Short | No Comments »

1. Write crappy blog.

2. At the end of crappy blog, type “Problem solved LOL!”*

3. Problem solved LOL!

* I’m going to try very hard not to steal that phrase ever again, and if you still don’t know where I’m stealing it from, check out Eexlebot’s The Worst Comic Ever.