June 15th, 2010 by aarondietz

The good thing about getting older is that there is less weirdness and fewer surprises.

Less Weirdness

You hug a friend in a train station in a city where you’ve never seen each other before. It’s not weird, because heck, by this time, you can’t even remember where you knew each other from anyway.

Fewer Surprises

There are fewer surprises because your memory is absent.

Oil spill? No surprise there–you’re not really sure if it’s a new one or the same one from before.

Ear buds not working in one ear? You’ve probably just gone deaf in one ear and forgot that you went deaf. Clearly nothing to worry about.

Aliens abducting you? For all you know, it happens every night. Why worry?

One Last Unrelated Thing

Go equality.

September 16th, 2009 by aarondietz

Perspective Drawings of Environments near Black Holes

Photographs of Missing LEGO Bricks

Stalwart Displays of Loyalty Expressed only in Song and Locally-Grown Produce

Brand New Works by Aaron’s Favorite Artists, Living or Dead

Spontaneous Art Created Right Now While You’re Watching, Using Your Limbs without Detaching or Hurting Them

(And if you’ve always wanted to subscribe to SPAM Publishing, the free literary e-mail publication, send a message to spam.publishing@gmail.com. Right now, in addition to 12 free issues every year, you’ll also get the latest back issue!)

August 16th, 2009 by aarondietz

The Obama administration feels it’s necessary to dump the public health care option in an effort to pass the current health care plan.

Perhaps instead they should just tell everyone they’ve removed the Death Panel section, the part about forcing everyone to use the government option, the bit about Soviet-style rationing, the section on cutting Medicare, and the part of the plan that allows tiny ants to control your brain like a video game.

That would make more sense to me.

July 28th, 2009 by aarondietz

That’s all, really. I just liked the title for some reason.

July 20th, 2009 by aarondietz

So, I’m headed out to lunch with a friend, but the friend needs to use the restroom first, and he asks if I’ll hold his book.

“Sure,” I say. The book is called Cyber America.

I stand outside the restroom and people walk by and this guy in a torpedo jacket comes walking up.

He says, “Is that, like, about a horse named America?”

I look at the book.

“Um. No,” I say.

“Because I had a horse named America once.”

I don’t say anything.

“When I was a kid,” he explains, “we didn’t have all this techno-babble. It was just horses and guns. And corn.”

“Oh. Yeah. Well, that makes sense.”

“You must be a writer,” he says.

“Yeah, actually, I am.”

“What do you write?”

“E-mail, mostly. Sometimes a real letter. Occasionally, I sign stuff, like credit card receipts. That kind of thing.”

He points at a random, moving spot on my chest. “A real funny guy, huh? Your kind will last longer than the filthy cockroaches.”

And then he decides to catch the elevator.

(Side note: if you’re interested, you can now become a fan of SPAM Publishing on FaceBook.)

March 11th, 2009 by aarondietz

The Challenge: Guess what I typed into a Google Image Search to find the following image.

Hint: Four words.

Clue: I did not find what I wanted.

March 3rd, 2009 by aarondietz

1. I’ve been too worried about my vast investment portfolio.

2. I’m really you, and let’s face it, you’ve been lazy, lately.

3. One cannot blog, for the blog has already been blogged, and always will have been. Also, I’ve been writing a book.

January 15th, 2009 by aarondietz

Does the player rule the world?

What can you do to assign yourself a muffin?

A student wants to demonstrate fallopian inheritance.

If a court decides you are violating the copyright of a dog, it is time to run.

A student describes the underpinnings of societal mores.

The lines are triumphant.

Follow these steps if your computer is not behaving well.

When in doubt, it’s best to organize the pottery.

Add a tourniquet.

What should the band do to make her feel better about the blues?

There are many more heavens than are dreamt of in your cupboard, Horatio.

Viruses hunt for dogs.

October 27th, 2008 by aarondietz

I’m a little interested in figuring out why people in certain states tend to vote one way. So, I decided to compare RCP’s current poll averages with states’ ranks in education. I wanted to be able to explain something. Anything.

Conclusion

Hard to say (the data is below). 50 is a small sample size, but this is how it shapes up, whether it’s conclusive or not.
:: Obama leads in the polls of 9 of the 10 smartest states.
:: 14 of McCain’s 21 states are in the bottom half in education.

Perhaps this is just an indication of the likelihood of people feeling an affinity with their candidates. Obama and Biden survived grad school. McCain and Palin never went. You may have seen this breakdown already:

Barack Obama
Occidental College (2 years)
Columbia University, B.A.
Harvard, Juris Doctor magna cum laude

Joe Biden
University of Delaware, B.A. double-major – rank 506 of 688
Syracuse, Juris Doctor

John McCain
U.S. Naval Academy – rank 894 or 899

Sarah Palin
Hawaii Pacific College (1 semester)
North Idaho community college (2 semesters general studies)
University of Idaho (2 semesters)
Matanuska-Susitna community college (1 term)
University of Idaho (3 semesters), degree in communications-journalism

And since it’s only fair:

Aaron Dietz
Iowa State University (2 semesters)
Metro State College of Denver (2 classes)
Antioch University Seattle (6 quarters), B.A. Arts & Literature
GPA: 3.0 or so (but I wasn’t graded at Antioch)
Total time in school: 2.5 years.

r style="height: 15pt;" height="20">

In case you’re wondering, McCain won the coin flip and got to be the positive numbers.

September 15th, 2008 by aarondietz

Really, this is just a test. Do not follow these directions.

1. Get comfortable.

2. Readjust your level of comfort.

3. Get re-comfortable.

4. Watch “Indicator” at PorkFilled.com.

5. Name one thing that happened in the bathroom.

6. Determine what color of underwear the Space Bear is wearing.

7. Visit Seattle Untimely and press play.

8. Go back in time and answer number 6.

9. If you still have money left, save it.

10. Go to SketchFest. I’ll be there on Wednesday, September 24th (not as a performer, though–as an exaggerator).

11. Say hi.

12. Suddenly realize that those links are connected in some way. Or not.

13. Watch Intro 3 here.

Success!

Now you’re a tomato.